


Butterfly

by Neila_Nuruodo



Category: Final Fantasy XIV
Genre: Angst, F/M, Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-10
Updated: 2019-08-10
Packaged: 2020-08-14 04:02:22
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,384
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20185933
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Neila_Nuruodo/pseuds/Neila_Nuruodo
Summary: **Shadowbringers Spoilers**Ephemerality has a beauty all its own, and the Warrior of Light intends to convince Emet-Selch of this.





	Butterfly

“And then there was Amaurot… Never was a city more magnificent. From the humblest streets to the highest spires, she fairly gleamed…” Emet-Selch’s face, rapt in reminiscence, dropped, regret etching lines of sorrow. “Not that you would remember any of this.” His tone was almost apologetic, and I caught my breath, trying to understand what was at the edge of my mind, why he would speak to me so.

I wanted to ask, “Remember?” _Remember what?_ But I knew enough about the Ascian to guess that he wouldn’t answer, and he seemed at the moment more open than I’d ever seen him. I realized this was the moment I’d been watching, waiting for, and seized the opportunity. So instead I said, “Hey, um, come over here. There’s something I want to show you.”

His emotion faded, replaced by his usual cool expression. “Dare I? Why this sudden change of topic?”

I smiled at him, nerves making my fingers twitch. “Come on. You’ll see.” I led him away from the open center of the plaza, behind a nearby shed where we could have at least a modicum of privacy. To my relief he followed, still wearing a suspicious look, folding his arms when I stopped and turned back to face him.

“Well?”

I pulled out my harp, and his eyebrows drew up. “I’ve been… trying to find a way to say something, and it isn’t coming out right. So… I’m just going to sing it. If that’s okay.” My voice rose on the last word, almost turning it into a question, and I felt my face heat. He waved for me to proceed, one of his grand sweeping gestures, and I put my fingers lightly on the strings, plucked a chord. I softly hummed my note, then began.

I let my eyes fall half-closed as my voice twined with my instrument, the nonsense words of the intro and the lilting melody setting my weight shifting, then my feet moving. I struck another chord and drew it out, almost forgetting where I was, who I was performing for.

“Sweet is the sound of my newborn wings,

I stretch them open and let them dry,

I haven’t seen this world before

But I’m excused, I’m a butterfly…”

* * *

I glanced back as footsteps approached my group. I was no stranger to being approached by strangers in the Crystarium, especially not after getting to know most of the important people around the place, but there was something different about this one. His finery, perhaps; no one in the Crystarium wore such fine clothing. Most people were too busy trying to survive and get ahead, or found such things all too reminiscent of Eulmore’s indolent decadence.

“You certainly took your time. I had half resolved to complete the task myself!”

_What?_ I blinked in surprise, studying him. _What task? What does he mean?_

He came to a rest, my companions turning at the sound of his voice, and Alisae spoke up.

“And you are?”

He smiled, but before he could speak, Urianger extended an arm. “Were one to study the annals of Garlean history, one would find yonder visage on many a page. Though,” he added, something odd in his tone—irony? jealousy?—making me look more closely at the stranger, “by rights its youth should long since have faded.”

Seeming amused at being recognized, he introduced himself as Solus zos Galvus—founding father of the Garlean Empire. As I boggled at how the old emperor could still be alive and on the First, not to mention looking so young, he mentioned something about other guises and other empires. I had barely begun to form suspicions when he confirmed them.

“As for my true identity…” He raised a hand in front of his face, drawing it down to reveal the roiling red glyph of an Ascian, and I gasped, shifting my weight to be ready for a fight. “I am Emet-Selch. Ascian.” He punctuated his revelation with a courtly bow.

My mind churned, barely hearing my friends’ voices as they reacted. _An Ascian? Not all that surprising, but that he should reveal himself to us… introduce himself…. He mustn’t fear us, though whether that means he’s underestimated us or we’ve underestimated him, I couldn’t say…_

* * *

Feeling as light as my song’s subject matter, I spun, dipped, twirled in the steps I’d practiced so diligently in my spare time. Over the last week, once I was finally ready to put all the pieces together, I had enlisted Feo Ul to cloak me from any and all observers and create an image of me studying so that no one would know what I was up to—well, other than Ardbert. Hard to hide from him, but I didn’t have to worry about him spoiling the surprise or trying to intervene. We’d had our discussion on the matter, and while he didn’t entirely agree, he accepted my reasons. The Crystal Exarch… had he seen me practicing, he might have wanted to see the performance, and I’d have had an awkward and ultimately problematic discussion; I knew his opinion of Emet-Selch all too well.

And Emet-Selch himself, well, what good is a surprise if it isn’t a surprise? So, assuming Feo Ul knew what they were doing—and as the king, I suspected they did—this should be the first he could see of it even if he had been “watching from the shadows” as he seemed to enjoy so. I pirouetted, catching a glimpse of him. The suspicion had disappeared from his expression, and my heart beat faster at the slight part to his lips, the openness of his eyes as he watched me. I bent, graceful, and rose smoothly, kicked a leg out and turned again.

“Sweet is the touch of your newborn wings,

We fly in circles, we play with the sun.

We haven’t seen this world before,

So fair, so bright, so blue the sky…”

* * *

Emotions still raged in my breast, hope striking the final blow against despair as I watched Y’shtola, whole and healthy, walk away. Emet-Selch lingered, watching me, looking like he had something to say. Suppressing a sigh, I turned to him, trying not to roll my eyes as he predicted that my friends would soon forget this reunion and be back at one another’s throats. Obviously he didn’t know them very well, and I couldn’t resist the opportunity to snark back at him a bit.

“Says the arch Bringer of Chaos.” I crossed my arms, holding back a smirk.

Apparently he’d fallen for my stoic façade as so many others had; he burst into laughter, a deep guffaw. “Flattery will get you nowhere, my dear. But seriously,” he went on, expression cooling, “we Ascians do what we do for the greater good. For the Rejoining.” He went on for a bit about chaos and men, then, with an air of annoyance, requested a return of my “customary brooding silence” as thanks for saving my companion. He turned to head off, and I held out my hand toward him.

“Wait.”

Glancing back, he raised a quizzical eyebrow. “I assure you, your silence is thanks enough. Please.”

I sighed. “Just let me say it?” He rolled his eyes but waved for me to go on, and I gave him a solemn bow, in the Eastern style I’d learned in Othard. “Thank you, from the bottom of my heart. Though it may have been a small thing to you, it is a great thing to us. I would be lying to say you have won my trust, but you do have my respect and deep appreciation.”

“Hm. Honesty _and_ a small degree of eloquence. You are most welcome; now let us speak no further on the matter. We have rather a lot to get done, after all.”

* * *

I had been afraid to hope that my performance would be received well; in all honesty I’d expected sarcasm or a barely polite lack of interest. But he seemed fascinated; every glimpse I caught of him revealed him watching me with an intensity in his electrum eyes, a rapt expression on his face. My heart raced from the simultaneous effects of exertion and excitement, my breath coming fast enough I was glad to be in good shape. Even so a few of the phrases came out breathier than I’d have liked, but hopefully the dancing was good enough to compensate.

Fingers flying over my harp, I leaned back, bent halfway to the ground, then straightened up, feet flying as I spun and wove around my own path. I bent over my instrument, cradling the music to my chest for a moment before sending it flying free again.

“Love me, love me on the leaves,

Before we say goodbye.

Love me, kiss me with the breeze,

You will be my lullaby.

Tomorrow I’ll die, tomorrow I’ll die.

Tomorrow I’ll die, you’ll be my lullaby.

Lullaby…”

* * *

He walked slowly toward me as I let my harp fall, his gait and pace almost predatory, and my heart raced from twinned fear and desire. “Comparing yourself to an insect… how very self-aware of you.”

I shrugged off the left-handed compliment; he was already trying to create distance, and I didn’t feel like making it easy for him. “Just because we aren’t the same doesn’t mean my life has no value, no beauty in its ephemerality.”

“Perhaps,” he allowed, and raised a hand to cup my cheek. “Of course, it’s easy for you; you take a lover for a time, then die and return to the Lifestream, leaving your regrets and memories behind. For one who lives eternally, the memory of lovers gone may dim, but the true loves never die. Like wounds that refuse to fully heal…”

I put my hand over his, laced our fingers together. “I understand. I hope I could be a memory for you, a happy one. I wouldn’t like to think of you hurting for me forever, though.”

His hand tightened, trapping my fingertips when I would have pulled away, and his eyes went dark. “I never said it wasn’t worth the pain.” Slowly he leaned closer, until his lips touched mine softly. I gasped at the contact and felt him smile. His other hand moved to the back of my neck, and his lips parted over mine, teasing mine open, deepening the kiss. I sighed against him as his arms wrapped around me and pulled me close.

We lingered in one another’s embrace for long enough that when we finally broke apart I had a moment of panic, fearing someone would have come to find me by now. By the Twelve’s mercy, no one had come around the side of the shed, but my cheeks still burned at the thought that one of my companions might have found me lip-locked with the Ascian.

“I will consider your offer, hero,” he said with a smirk and hooded eyes, drawing back and leaving me aching. He turned to leave, then paused. “Ah, there was one thing I had meant to ask. How well do you know the Exarch? Has he ever deigned to show you what hides beneath the cowl?”

* * *

Reaching the song’s climax, I darted back and forth like a woman possessed, fingers racing, feet pattering, voice soaring. I felt like I really was flying, like the breeze could lift me off the ground, and Emet-Selch’s unhidden appreciation was a large part of that feeling of freedom. He had stepped closer, as close as he dared with me moving around so abruptly, so joyously in time to the music I made. Still chasing that feeling of flight, I made a leap, spun, and raised my arms as much as I could without missing any notes on the harp.

I thought I could feel his eyes on me, burning first into my hands, then my legs as I made another leap, then my torso. Butterfly kisses, I thought, and paused long enough in my cavorting to give him a radiant smile. His eyes seared into mine, and I almost missed a step at the intensity in their luminous depths.

“Love me, kiss me with the breeze.

Love me, love me on the leaves.

Love me, love me!

Love me, love me on the leaves

Before we say goodbye.

Love me! Kiss me with the breeze,

You’ll be my lullaby…”

* * *

“Thank you for your company, my friend. Let us return to Amity.”

I started to follow the Crystal Exarch, but a soft sound drew my attention back. I stopped short. “I’ll meet you there in a bit.”

He glanced back, giving me a warm smile. “Of course. Take all the time you need.”

I nodded, suppressing my impatience, and returned to the rock outcropping I’d just been sitting against. Emet-Selch was leaning against it, tendrils of void still fading away.

“Ahh, what a touching friendship the two of you have.”

I posted up next to him, my heart speeding up. The instinct to say something snide rose, but I quashed it, remembering the pain and loneliness he’d displayed during our last conversation. “If you were a bit more reliable, he might be your friend, too. Might be nice, having someone outside your Ascian buddies who lives forever.”

He huffed out a laugh. “I’ll bear it in mind for the next time I grow bored.” He reached out to my face, coaxing me closer. I went readily, letting him pull my body snugly against his own. He leaned down, and I met his kiss halfway. He chuckled at my eagerness.

“Haven’t changed your mind, little butterfly?”

I smiled at the affectionate nickname. “Nope. All too aware of the brevity of my life, see.”

He smiled, eyes glowing in the golden light around us. “Then let us take full advantage of it.” He turned us, backing me against the wall, and kissed me again, deeply. My heart thudded as he pressed me against the rock, and I barely noticed the rough contours digging into my back. His fingers clamped down onto my hips, and I moaned into his mouth, sliding my hands over the tops of his shoulders and into his hair. His tongue probed my mouth, demanding, and I teased him with my own, spurring him closer. He drew back, breathing hard, and I gasped for air.

Releasing me, he raised one hand and snapped his fingers. Reality realigned around us, a shimmering bubble surrounding a chaise lounge, and my armor and his heavy royal attire disappearing, leaving us in matching light robes. I blushed, looking around in concern.

“Don’t worry. No one can enter or see inside that sphere.”

Relieved, I let him push me down onto the chaise. He followed me down, straddling me with a wicked grin and running his hands along my body. I returned the favor, finally giving in to the urge that had been plucking at my heart since he drew Y’shtola out of the Lifestream. I slipped my hands between the lapels of his robe, stroking them over his chest and spreading the garment to reveal more of his warm golden skin. He nibbled his way up my neck, sucking on my earlobe.

“You keep doing that and I’ll do the same to you.” His hot breath on my ear made me gasp and blush.

“Deal,” I whispered back, smirking, and he gave me an intent-filled look before moving down to split my robe. I groaned, twining my fingers into his hair as he took one of my nipples into his mouth. He pinched the other gently, rolling it in his fingertips and then cupping the entire breast and caressing it as he laved attention on the other. My hips undulated beneath him in time with his slow pulls on my nipple, and I moaned my appreciation softly. He switched sides, ministering to the other breast, and his free hand slid slowly down the plane of my abdomen. I felt my muscles clench as he untied the robe’s stay and dived lower, lower.

I gasped and arched as he palmed my mound, rubbing in a teasing circle before finally sliding a finger between the folds. I whimpered as he teased me open, letting a finger slide deeper, then stroking his way out and repeating the motion. I ran my hands down his back, sliding his robe off his shoulders and digging my fingernails into his muscles as his touch set me to quivering. He added a second finger, speeding up his pace, and soon I was gasping and clenching in time to his movements. When he pressed his thumb to my sensitive bud I groaned his name. He paused, raising his head to look at me with an unreadable expression, but he resumed his attentions before I could puzzle out what that look meant.

My body’s involuntary clenching transformed into a shudder, and he put his face against my shoulder, nuzzling my neck. I sobbed against his own shoulder as pleasure overtook me, sending me spiraling into senseless oblivion. I continued to tremble as he gently stroked me down, and when I opened my eyes he was smirking. I reached up and put my hand behind his neck, drawing him down and kissing the smirk off his face. He chuckled, resting his weight on me and sighing, and I dug my fingernails into his butt.

“What?” He turned a look of mock-ire on me.

“How dare you stop,” I growled back.

Smiling, he worked a knee between mine, and I parted my legs for him. “Better?”

I reached down and found his erection, drawing a hiss out of him. “There, _that’s_ better.” I worked my hand up and down the shaft as well as I could at the awkward angle, but clearly it wasn’t enough; he knocked my hand aside after a moment and repositioned himself at my entrance. My breath caught as I felt him press against me, and I dug my nails in again.

“Stop that,” he grumbled, and I giggled.

“Not until you start.”

He needed no further encouragement, sinking his teeth lightly in my shoulder as he began to thrust. My head fell back at the feeling of him stretching me out. Twelve, it had been so _long…_ I groaned deep in my throat as he worked his way deeper inside me. He shuddered and made a soft sound as he slid fully in, and I ran my hands up and down his back. He responded to my encouragement, and I rocked with him as he began to move.

“Emet-Selch,” I gasped, and he kissed me, eyes burning into mine until the teasing of his lips and tongue made my own eyes slide shut in bliss. He slid an arm behind my back, hauling my body harder against his, and increased his pace, leaving me panting. Feeling daring, cherished, I put my own lips on his neck, nibbling at his soft skin and drinking in his murmurs of pleasure. He increased our tempo until we were almost slamming together, and I drew back to see his eyes slitted and gleaming. His lips were twisted into something like a snarl, and he grabbed the wrist of the hand I had buried in his hair and pinned it over my head. He buried his face in my neck, growling, and slid his other hand between our bodies.

I surged upward with a cry as his fingertip found my nub and began to tease it, his teeth scraping my skin at the same time. Chest heaving, I clutched him with all my strength as tremors began to rock my body again. Under his ministrations I shattered apart, my vision short-circuiting as my body convulsed out of my control. I heard him cry out hoarsely, a word I didn’t recognize, as he pulsed into me. I gasped for breath as I returned to myself, feeling the sweat between our bodies cooling, his own chest heaving. I sighed and snuggled close, and to my surprise he let me, turning us so we were on our sides, facing each other. I traced his chest and shoulders in silence, wondering how long this perfection would last.

It was never going to be long enough. Eventually he tipped my chin up, finding my eyes. “Well, butterfly, as lovely as that was, I believe you have a grand plan to enact?” Biting my lip, I nodded. “I’ll be watching. However it turns out, this should be a sight to see.”

I managed a smile, touching his cheek. “It’s going to work. You’ll see.” I stood up, instinctively wrapping the robe around me, and cast about for my armor… which was nowhere to be seen. Emet-Selch lounged, looking like some kind of golden Adonis with his robe and hair in artistic disarray. He watched me appreciatively, obviously unconcerned with my own worries.

“Um, I’m going to need my armor back?”

He laughed, a warm, genuine sound, and raised one hand to snap his fingers.

* * *

My motions slowed, the dance smoothing to the beginings of a gradual stop, and I moved in an almost waltz-like circular pattern. On a whim I altered the steps of the dance, circling around Emet-Selch instead of an imaginary point on the ground. He turned slightly to continue watching as I did, something darkening his gaze as it lingered on me.

For a moment I found myself wishing that the song weren’t almost over, that we could stay like this forever, in this private moment. I was afraid how he’d respond, if he’d understand the subtext—well, rather, if he’d respond to it in the way I hoped, or if he’d reject me. I knew I didn’t have much to offer him, not from his perspective, but I still wanted to give him everything I had. So I made the last phrases count, pouring the sum of my devotion and tenderness into them.

“Sweet is the wind as it gently blows

The day away and the nighttime comes.

Great are the wonders that silence shows,

I fall asleep and I dream of the sun

And my butterfly…”

* * *

Tears stung my eyes as I watched Hades fall, darkness roiling out of his titanic form.

“You… You have no power over me!”

I wanted to fall to my knees, to believe it couldn’t be true, that I hadn’t just killed him. This was NOT how it was supposed to happen, dammit! He was supposed to see that I was stronger now, with Ardbert joined to me again, strong enough that we _could _work together after all. Why? Why couldn’t he see that? Then hope surged in my breast as he rose again from the darkness.

“I…will…not…yield.”

He hadn’t fallen! Not completely. There was still a chance to make this right!

“Should I surrender this fight, what will become of it all…?”

Masks surged in from the void, so numerous I couldn’t hope to count them all.

“What will become of our triumphs? Our hopes? Our…our despair?”

My breath caught as more and more appeared, forming a multitude around me.

“What of this anguish which yet burns in my breast even after the passing of eons?”

His voice began to echo, and my spirit quailed as I began to realize just _how many_ of his people he had lost, how many were relying entirely upon him for their return to life.

“No, no, no! I will not let it all be for naught!”

He reformed, huge, glorious, terrifying, and headed toward me. Helpless, I raised my arms toward him, pleading with my body as my tongue clove to the roof of my mouth.

As if from nowhere, Thancred burst onto the scene, shattering the white auracite and sending its shards flying at him. The Scions, arrayed behind me, combined the power of their aether, feeding it into the auracite…and to my everlasting joy and horror, it wasn’t enough. He sent the white shards flying, shattering at their feet, and they redoubled their efforts, managing to spear him on a great lance of the hated crystal.

“Now!” Urianger cried to me. “Strike with all thy might!”

_No,_ I thought. _I can’t. I won’t hurt him._ But my traitorous head nodded, my hand reaching out for the weapon of light Ardbert had bequeathed to me. _What? _ Panicking, furious, I railed against my body, but it was as though I was locked in a tiny cell in my mind, unable to act, unable to control myself. Hope kindled again as Hades managed to shatter the spear, freeing himself, but the weapon manifested and I flung it at him with all my might. Brightness seared the darkness, blinding me, forcing me to cover my eyes.

Once I could open them again, he stood before me, human-looking once again, in Ascian robes. A gaping, glowing hole in his midsection. I felt as though the hole had been torn through me as well, tearing out my heart, my guts, my very core.

He reached up and cast back the hood, looking at me with a steady gaze. “Remember…” he implored, “remember us.” He closed his eyes, then reopened them. “Remember… that we once lived.”

He began disintegrating, motes of light swirling upward like small insects, like butterflies. He smiled, just a little, and was gone. I tried to reach out to him, to cry, to do anything, but I was, I realized, not my own person. Just as he was not. Just as he could not truly find peace with Hydaelyn’s champion, neither would She let me find peace with Zodiark’s. In my prison I sobbed, collapsing inward, letting myself sink into oblivion as my body turned solemnly back to my companions. I didn’t want it anymore, not after what I’d witnessed myself doing. Let Her have my bloodsoaked hands. If I couldn’t stop Her from committing genocide, I could at least not participate.

* * *

I stilled on the final step, the last notes of the harp fading with those of my voice. As my instructor had taught me, I let the last note linger, holding my pose and waiting for my audience to catch their breath—his breath—and respond. He didn’t disappoint, taking a deep, shuddering breath before clapping. Hopeful, I turned slowly to face him, letting my harp begin to fall.

**Author's Note:**

> Butterfly by Rajaton: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gmc9Tp3m0fs


End file.
